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I'm SOOO Devastated!!! [23 Mar 2005|10:51pm] [ mood | embarrassed ] [ music | I just can't fight this feeling anymore..... ] Ok, so I haven't exactly been keeping up with my journal either, but, I NO LONGER HAVE ACCESS AT WORK ANYMORE!!!! SUCKS!!! So I'm so devastated! Why did that have to happen to me????? I fell right in front of this guy I have a major crush on!! Oh and it wasn't no, crash and burn fall, no wow look at that jump fall, NO..... It was on the fucking tow rope!!! Of all places! And it wasn't any stupid freakin fall man, I flipped dragged my damn face in the snow and now have a huge tow rope snow burn on my chin!!! OH my god it was sooo embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WHY DID that have to happen today!!AHHHHHHHH! OK, got my venting over with! SO this boy, why do I totally fall for boys??? I guess I shouldn't call him a boy, this guy! That sounds much better. He deserves the guy title! He's actually older than 22! The age I seem to be a magnet to! SO... this guy..I like him a lot, yes. But I just really can't handle this shit man. I know, I fucked up last year, I fucked up bad, and I just am having this major problem saying so really. I mean, at least things are more comfortable now, but still!!! I KNOW I HAVE TO BLUNTLY COME OUT AND SAY IT!!!!! AND I JUST CCCCCAAAAANNNNNN'''''TTTTT DOOOOOOO ITTTTTT!! I CAN'T I can't I can't! I've tried to say I can, I can, I can..... BUT I CAN'T! I can't handle this suspense any more either!!! OH man. I like this guy. I really, actually like this guy! WOW! Do you think??? ME?? Jaime...... actually dating someone. Gosh, it still seems so weird to even say that! DATING... This is my BBBOOOYYYYFFRRIEND! WEIRD. OK, don't get to excited people (J/K) I still have to grow nerves, and who knows if that will ever happen! Ok I'm tired now, but God it feels good to write in this thing again. And it was good to read my girls journals! I miss that! Well at least I have a new computer at home now! :) 1 comment|post comment

A FOOL [10 Sep 2004|03:42pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Evenessence ] Who am I fooling??????  All of you!!!!!!!!  I am completely crushed!  Not completely because of the fact that the phone didn't ring.  That may be one reason.  But the main reason is that I want that so badly!  (Not meaning that person directly, that person would be nice, but you all know what "that" is!) Why did that whole evening have to be so wonderful???!!!  Why do you think I divert myself from even coming close to it being like that?  Because I long for it so much!  I don't want to feel this way and I don't like to get crushed!  I just... I just don't even know what to think anymore at this moment I'm getting to emotional! Au Revoir.......Auf Wiedersehen........Sayonara........Arrivederia....Adios!   1 comment|post comment

Better [08 Sep 2004|03:09pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | BEP ] Wow!  Do I get depressed or what; the day I get back from a vacation!  Man I was on the verge of loosing it yesterday!  Well I did lose it, but damn.  I don't like that shit!  Anyway I'm better now, don't know why, I'm still sad but I'm OK.  Anyway I just was gazing at my cubical wall, and found it funny that in only a couple of pictures it basically sums up ME.  AHHH!  So funny!  I think this is why I get nothing done at work!  I'm gazing at my pictures too much!  Lost!  That's what it is!  I love to get LOST in them!  So yeah.  Gota Lota Crap to do so, I'll update later! P.S. JAIME HAD ........ This weekend! FOR......H..RS!  HHE HEE HEEE! (OH yeah, that's how I got out of my faze!  I just keep fading back to that time. :) post comment

Help I'm Choking [07 Sep 2004|11:18am] [ mood | pessimistic ] AHHH! I feel like I can't fucking breath!  I am just so fucking fucked up right now!  I'm in an emotional fucking whirl wind.  I just want to cry!  I just want to cry. I just...want to cry....I don't have time to cry.  Need to concentrate.  My vision is nothing but a blur........trying to focus my eyes underwater....This is not helping! post comment

Dreams [25 Aug 2004|10:48am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Our Lady Peace ] Dreams.  How many dreams could one person possibly have?  I have way to many!  I feel overwhelmed with just my dreams and which one or ones to follow or go for!  I want them all!  I'm so tired right now.  I just want to sleep!  I don't know what my problem is!  I literally get about 4 hours of sleep on the weekdays!  But that's my own damn fault, I sit up and just stare off in space and just think.  I think way tooo much!  I go to bed earlier on the weekends then on the freaking weekdays!  I'm gonna stop complaining now, I'm just tired.   post comment

JOBS STINK! [23 Aug 2004|11:16am] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | RAGE ] I think your job fucking stinks!  Now we never can hang out or go out or anything cause of your stupid fucking job!  Can you tell I'm just a little pissy right now! All for the better anyway right??? I have a fuct school schedule now and going to be busy up to my fucking ass hole in stupid stupid study shit!  AHHHH! I am not looking forward to this semester!  I am sick of working and I'm SICK Of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't think I'd be as sick of school as much if I didn't have to FUCKING work!!!!! 3 comments|post comment

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH [20 Aug 2004|11:06am] [ mood | horny ] [ music | I WANT TO FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL!!! ] Oh my god I need to seriously get LAID Like NOW!  I'm getting in that desperate time again!  Not really that I'm desperate, cause all I need to do is make a phone call to whoever but I just, I don't know, don't just like sleeping with whomever.  And good god am I kicking myself in the ass for not taking all the fucking chances I have when the momments do happen, but NOOOO I have to play miss tease; because I get KIICKSS out of it.  Ok now I need to stop that, cause I'm like going CRAZI!!!!!!!!!!  AAHHHHH! 3 comments|post comment

Fucking Horninesssssss! [12 Aug 2004|04:11pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | Portis Head ] Oh my god I am like so completely horny right now and having Bad Bad Bad Office Sex Fantasies!  Good God! Holy SHIT!  Need to escape to my hiding sex place!  HEE HEE!   P.S. It doesn't help with the music I'm listening to! post comment

Disappear! [11 Aug 2004|12:17pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | MAN HOLE! ( THE ORIGINAL) ] AHHHH!  All I want to do is disappear!  I am sooo Furious right now.  I have been getting harrassing phone calls again from my X the past three days and it's really hard for me to listen to the messages, They are just so fucking disgusting it makes me just sick!  I wish I could just leave, I wish I had the support to just up and leave with everyone, I wish someone would come and sweep me off my feet and take me away!  Away from here.  He is just so fucking disgusting!  No better yet, I wish he would just disappear!  I get so worked up and angry I can barely handle myself, shaking, crying, my emotions get the best of me and I try try to control myself and regain composure, but it doesn't go away, it will never go away, I am frightened for my life everyday!  I look around before I get out of my car! I look around before I enter my house, I never go to any concerts without my body guard friends! Thank god for you I love you all! I live this constant life of fear from this crazy mad man!  I hate this!  Tears swealing - at work gotta go! I am afraid! I am sick and tired of being afraid!! 4 comments|post comment

Attraction [11 Aug 2004|10:51am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Norah ] What the hell is attraction???  Ok now I know what it is is but WHAT IS it????  Like what makes you attracted to somebody?  What is the physical cause that when you see a person you have this ??? attraction to them?   I really don't get it.  Like you could be friends with some really HOT guy, but be completely not "attracted" to them.  WHY is that?  People have certain basic things they look for in people without really even knowing what that "type" of thing in that person they are really looking for is.  (until there is a pattern and you start to see some types of things) Sort of like a sub conscience thing.  And then you have the times when once and awhile someone will have the same attraction to you.....  But when is it that you know a mutual attraction is really for real????  I ask because I do some things also, that most men do to women.  I can't help it, I'm a flirt, and I probably lead some guys on purposely because sometimes I get kicks out of it.  But when I get into a thought process like this, I start to feel bad about it cause if it were someone I really had a strong and true attraction to, I wouldn't want them to do it to me.  And I mostly don't mean to do it on purpose, most of the time actually I've probably had a few to drink. (tee hee).  But still I guess my point is, I'm sick of games and I'm sick of trying to decifer if the mans attraction is real or not.  Actually I'm just a really fucked up messed in the head person.  I don't even know what the hell I want!  One day I'll want to be with someone, and wish I could just find someone to live my life with, A love A Partner My soul.  And other days I'm really completely fine with being alone for the rest of my life!  But most of the time that's because I think back to my past and I will NEVER EVER EVER let a man control my life again.  Wait a minute, huh, funny, I forgot I had a BOY!  SO I'm screwed either way. (JK) Actually I think I just think WWWAAAAYYYY to much! Why am I attracted to you? Why are you attracted to me? Can anyone really answear this? post comment

Long time no write [02 Aug 2004|11:55am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | New Avril ] Well I thought I'd write a little to myself to see if anyone actually still checks these, these as in mine carries and shannons journal that we NEVER write in anymore!  Tina to, but she's a little better than any of us. So hum Vegas - very fun very cool!  Madonna was HOT!  Prince was HOT!  Ummm Cali!  Oh yeah!  California!  California I love!  Love love it!  Surfing!  Love it!  Fell in love completely!  Something of a fear I needed to get over cause I KNEW I would LOVE it!  Fell for a guy (of course don't I always), guy didn't call back :( ! That's ok cause I'm going back Sept. with a riped ass body ready to surf it up!!! (hopefully anyway)  But still bummed! :(! I really liked that boy! Any way! Crazi ass weekend! Still hung over from it!  So I'm gonna rest my head at work here for a minute and take a nap!  See ya ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ post comment

Did it work? [03 Jun 2004|04:00pm] post comment

???????????????? [03 Jun 2004|03:56pm] [ mood | confused ] <img src="http://www.world66.com/myworld66/visitedStates/statemap?visited=AZCACOILIAKSMIMNMONVNMNDOKSDTXWI"><br/> <a href="http://douweosinga.com/projects/visitedstates">create your own visited states map</a>  or <a href="http://douweosinga.com/projects/googlehacks">check out these Google Hacks.</a> I don't think this is working???????? post comment

THIS YEARS LOVE [26 May 2004|08:29am] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | David Gray ] This years love had better last Heaven knows it's high time And I've been waiting on my own too long But when you hold me like you do It feels so right I start to forget How my heart gets torn When that hurt gets thrown Feeling like you can't go on   Turning circles when time again It cuts like a knife oh yeah If you love me got to know for sure Cos it takes something more this time Than sweet seet lies Before I open up my arms and fall Losing all control Every dream inside my soul And when you kiss me on that midnight street Sweep me off my feet Singing ain't this life so sweet   This years love had better last   So whose to worry If our hearts get torn When that hurt gets thrown Don't you know this life goes on And won't you kiss me On that midnight street Sweep me off my feet Singing ain't this life so sweet   THIS YEAR LOVE HAD BETTER LAST! Great song, I highly recommend. Perfect for you new lovers and what I'm waiting for! David Gray: White Ladder 1 comment|post comment

HEE HEE HEE [18 May 2004|11:29am] [ mood | silly ] AHHHH! I'm so bad! TEE HEE HEE!  I am such a sneaky little devil, sneaky sneaky I am!  AHHH I can't believe what I'm doing, it is just way to funny to tell so I'll just let you guys tremble with desires of  not knowing just how sly miss jc can be!  HEEE HHEE HEE HOOHOO HOO HAAHAAHHAa Sorry I'm being super silly right now! TEE HEE! 2 comments|post comment

Tears [14 May 2004|11:32am] [ mood | depressed ] I miss snowboarding! 1 comment|post comment

Raindrops [14 May 2004|11:12am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Nothing ] I don't know what's the matter with me right now!  I have completely thrown myself in a depression whirl wind the last 24 hours and I really couldn't even tell you why!  I should be happy and relaxed right now being that finals are done, but I'm not. I am sitting here at work and all I want to do right now is go home and cry.  But I can not.  I have to keep working.  Why because I'm obligated to.  Live ours lives, working, dreaming about a better life or a "dream job"!  I thinks thats actually what set me off  yesterday.  There was this article on this guy that made this company called Vocation Vacation.  For a certain amount of money you can work your dream job with one on one people that do that type of work, for 2 days. For a "certain amount of money"!  I would absolutely love to do that, just because I don't know exactly what I really want to be or do with my life.  So really what would be more perfect than to try out different things like that? But like I said "for a certain amount of money" and it isn't cheap.  And then of course everything else had to come into play after getting depressed about that.  The Horrible Horrible haircut I got yesterday right before I fucking go to Vegas!  How fucking wonderful!  The irritating fucking dumb black males that molest you with their eyes and say pitiful disgusting things to you and then follow you for a period of time and you just want to scream "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING CREEP"!  The horrible shitty car I have!  When I get home this Crazy Beautiful movie is on, which this young couple fall absolutely in Love and how Beautiful it was and How I WANT THAT SO BADLY! I am so fucking alone! You know I seriously probably need some sort of Therepy.  I think this journal helps a little anyway!  And you know I really pour my fucking heart out  on here sometimes and I usually never do that.  SO at least that's sort of a good thing. I miss my Best Friend. 3 comments|post comment

DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT [11 May 2004|03:34pm] [ mood | flirty ] [ music | Hoopastank ] Damn it to hell! He's fucking young!  WHY? why do they always have to be young now? : ( I HATE this getting old crap!  Can't we just stay 22!  What a great age 22 is!  Come on girls, we need to invent some sort of potion!  NOW damn it! I'm not getting any younger anymore!  UUUHHH HHUHH HUUHHH :(! Young boys suck! Specially (yes I spelt it like that on pupose! I'm trying to be young) my fucking crush! UH I'm just BLAH now! Owell I still like him though, even though he's just a BOY! But he could be a Guy maybe!  Cause like when we were 18 we thought 21 and up year old boys were guys! So yeah there we go, I'll call him a guy! SO got fucked up Saturday. SO fucked up I made out with not one but two fucking girls! TEE HEE! OWell! Was fun birthday drunkeness!  So I don't really have anything else to say now!  Just wanted to bitch about my young GUY! LOVE YOU ALL! 22 DAYS AND COUNTING! YEY! 2 comments|post comment

Daydreaming [06 May 2004|12:17pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Liz Phair ] So I wonder if guys daydream about you like you do about them sometimes. Not necessarily the one your daydreaming about but just any other boy(and the one your daydreaming about to of course).  I wonder if they get all giddy about you.  I think that's weird.  And like you know how we are, or I am anyway, how you would never ever tell them(the boy) that you think of them like that; if they do the same?  Doesn't that just make you wonder and just want to know.  But of course you won't know cause they would never tell you.  But doesn't that just make you curious to if there are guys that do daydream about you? AHH just stupid girly thoughts.   2 comments|post comment

HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE [04 May 2004|03:29pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | I couldn't tell you, then I'd give my crush away! TEE HEE ] HEE HEE! Oh I am such a silly silly giddy girl! Can you see I'm like super smiling right now!  HEE HEE!  I have a little secret!  I have another CRUSH! YEAH!  HEE HEE!  Gosh I'm just so giggly right now!  Sometimes I love these crushes!  Really love these crushes!  The ones that just make you so stupidly high schooly giggly!  You really need to live off them I tell you!  But then again they suck to, cause most of the time in reality you know nothing would ever happen or come of anything, so they just suck! But still usually after they start talking, your like "Uh, next crush!"  BUT still I love them! HEE HEE!  I've sure been having lots of crushes this year!  But I really like this crush!  He is so CUTE I tell you! TEE HEE!  OH I'm am way to giggly right now, better sign off before I really start sounding like a dork!   2 comments|post comment

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